Lately with Covid-19 lockdown and social distancing, I easily get caught up in the thinking everyone else has it figured out, everyone has been able to do all the things I have on my to-do list… from March… of last year; that the highlight reels on Instagram are everyone’s daily real. It’s easy to convince myself that I’m the only one failing as a mom, or wife, or friend, or person in general because I know so intimately all of my shortcomings and imperfections. 

But guess what! Everyone has shortcomings and imperfections. 

Everyone knows themselves so intimately that it’s easy to see where they come up lacking. Everyone questions themselves, their choices, their direction, their response, their non-response, their purpose at some time or another. The thing is, we usually don’t talk about it. We put on a brave face, or if not brave at least a “I’m still functioning” face and tell one another that we’ve got this, and that we’re doing great, and that we are loving every minute and just soaking it in. But guess what, for me, that’s not true. And I have some amazing women in my life who pulled back their Wizard of Oz curtain far enough to share the truth of their lives with me. And I’m here to tell you: those things you’re feeling, those doubts you have, that guilt you can’t rid yourself of- you are not the only one!

For example: I love my children. I love seeing them play together, I love watching them as they learn and discover, I love when they call me to sit with them in the bathroom until they need me to wipe their bum, I love having them constantly ask what they can eat, and love it when they fight over whose turn it is to play on my phone. I love it. (Did you catch where the sarcasm started to get thick?) Sometimes I just want it to be bedtime. I can relate to Leslie Knope (Parks and Recreation fan??) who was both posing and answering questions during her husband’s campaign rally. “Do I miss my kids? Of course I do. And then sometimes I don’t.” I feel that on a deep level, except mine is “do I want to be with my kids? Of course I do. And then sometimes I don’t.” Sometimes I need to not be the mom, chef, teacher, referee, janitor, or bidet. Know what I mean?

My friend empathized with me over our longing for children’s bedtime. She shared with me a moment in her mothering where she thought she had hit upon an unknown secret approach to bedtime! It was winter, getting dark earlier, and her children were little enough to not understand actual time. Using the sun to her advantage she would feed them dinner, do baths, read bedtime stories, and had kids in bed by 5pm! She shared how nice it was to have the evening for herself and considered herself a genius. Admittedly, I did too! She said it was great for a couple days, until they started to get up at 4:30 in the morning. Ah, even the perfectly laid plans are foiled by toddlers.

But that connection, that “you can’t hardly wait for bedtime, either?” moment, deepened our connection because we were able to share “YES! You are not the only one!”

I was talking about the daily dinner struggle with another friend. We agreed that coming up with a main dish was hard enough, not to mention any sides or a dessert. “Hey, there is always frozen corn,” I said. She replied, “Frozen corn? I count the corn in the casserole as the vegetable!” I laughed! Honestly, so do I!

A friend from out of state and I were commiserating about the challenge of wanting some “me time,” but also needing to sleep, and wanting to wake up early to “start the day off right” but also staying awake late into the night for that “me time”. The endless battle. “And really,” I pointed out, “how can we expect ourselves to get up at 5 when we don’t go to bed until 1:30 or 2?” “Or 3:00 or 4:00,” she responded. I laughed “You, too? I was trying to be optimistic!”

With each of these interactions a greater bond was formed and strengthened. I was reassured, hopefully my friend was too. But only because we shared honestly, embraced feeling vulnerable, and let go of pretences that often we feel we must keep.

Have you ever started dinner late, and then no one eats until 8:00p? Or dinner isn’t done by 8 and so you default to breakfast cereal just so everyone can eat and go to bed? Have you called in sick to work not because you were sick, but because you were sick of work? Have you ever bought something, thinking you’d like it when you got home, only to find out once you are home, you still don’t like it, make plans to return it, and then it stays in the bag until the 30 day return window has passed? Have you ever driven “the long way” home because you weren’t ready to have that hard conversation? Have you ever said something you regretted as soon as it came out of your mouth? Have you ever wanted to go back in time and drop that witty, or hurtful, or poignant, or cutting, or inspired one-liner? Have you ever needed reassurance about who you are, what you are doing, and what you have to offer? Have you ever done something so despicable you wish the Earth would open up and swallow you whole? Have you ever wanted something to be different? Have you tortured yourself with the “should’ve” self-talk?

Listen very carefully: You. Are. Not. The. Only. One!

Someone else has been through those tough days, through job loss, insecurity, divorce, trying to unite a blended family, navigating going back to school as a parent, difficult years in marriage or parenting, infertility, miscarriage, death of a loved one, sickness, pain, uncertainty, fear, poverty, betrayal, disappointment, loneliness, hopelessness. You are not the only one!

C.S. Lewis said:

I may not personally be experiencing what you are experiencing, but someone is. I may not be feeling exactly what you are feeling, but someone is. I may not be in the same situation that you are in, but believe me, someone is. 

Reach out, give someone the chance to help, or even save you. Start by finding people who have experienced the same thing you are experiencing. Please remember- you are not the first to experience it, you will not be the last, you are not the only one.

How do you find that other person who can relate? How do you find the person who makes it so you aren’t the only one? This is a real question. I would love to hear from you in the comments below. How do you connect with someone? How do you find someone you can stand with “in an immense solitude”?